Kingdom of Blasphemy

So recently i've been in what can only be described as a funk. I've been snipey and bitchy and generally really shitty, and sleep has nothing to do with it. I hate feeling like this it's such a let down. It's the lack of guilt i carry with it that disturbs me more.

Why is EVERYTHING so hard even when it's advertised as being easy? False advertising is illegal damnit.

Oh well, for now i am going to ruminate with my big bowl of chocolate icing that my flatmate had left over and maybe the mixture of cocoa and sleep deprivation will wake me up. Oh how ironical, as Grace would say.

x

Current Location: 117 Hazelgrove
Current Mood: bitchy
Current Music: The snoring of cypriats

Hey everybody! I've stolen my flatnate's laptop for the evening hurrah! Just a quick note to say, hurrah for the husband's sharp eye. Hurrah for the stolen wing mirror and license plate from the crashed car. Hurrah for cool lectures and creative writing! Yayness indeed for seeing Adam in the Galleria of all places! Burger King is nice and so is ASDA.

I hope everyone is cool and happy like beans. Most of you have inexplicably (!) disappeared now but i think i may come to the pub on thursday because of JEN (Herts Uni variety not WIIIIIITH variety) and her wonderful car!

Miss you all!
x

PS: My now favourite film is WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE.

My god. Tomorrow already. Almost. So much to think about, to move, to travel, to wear my new genuine army surplus combat trousers and see people. PEOPLE!

But TOday.

11am
Met at Costa Coffee after being complimented by a female Neighbour called Janet, aged 62, who said i was a handsome boy. My dad thinks i am 'in there'. Anyway, met le friends Tasha, Spuddly and Pippi (i'll get pictures for readers of this journal some day) and we had a wonderful tea in costa, because coffee is immoral and hates me. Then, after oggling a too young waiter and discovering the toilet to be clogged with loo roll we decided to play CONSEQUENCE.

FLASHBACK

A level Psychology, boredom and silliness evolved into playing consequence (an old 'pen and paper' game). Firstly, all write a girl's name. Fold over the paper, pass it round then write a boy's name and so on and however you want to play it until you end up wiht a consequence! It's so fun!

BACK TO COSTA

Well we borrowed too-young-waiter guy's pen and nicked loads of napkins and played this game while Pippi added it to her tiny purse. Sadly, Tasha had work so we said a tearful farewell followed by hardly-awkward-at-all-hugs and i felt like despairing or sobbing aloud or being generally Jane Austen esque. But to buck me up, Spuddly and Pippi both suggested an impromptu trip to Oxy-Ford before i leave! STOKED! I love OxyFOrd for so many reasons. It's beautiful, and has shops..

MIDDAY-ISH; OXYFORD

Well the bus was £4.90, which means me and my friend's bus fare for a return journey to Oxford (30 minutes at most) came to just under £10. Just to put that into perspective for you. Anyway, after grumbling alot and enjoying the window view we got into Oxford and SHOPPED!

WHAT MARK BOUGHT AND WHAT CAME OF THIS

Firstly we 'hit' Oxfam, that i found out started in Oxford, hence 'Ox' fam. We thought Fam stood for famine. I found 'Tales Of the City' by Armistead Aupin or something similar. It's trashy, gay, 80's and easy to read. In fact i read 20 pages in the bath, pre prune skin ness.
Next, GENERAL clothes shopping, which consisted of me buying clothes that fitted and falling in love with Primark even though it is immoral. CHEAP AS HELL but immoral.
THEN to make my day AWESOME, Ed's reminder of ***Angels In America*** spurned me to buy the Double DVD for £8.99 while i gushed about it to my friends, and they stood aghast.

MARK'S INDULGENCE BUY

Was underwear i hadn't bought before...

I'm scared but excited.

x

Current Location: Witney? Herts?
Current Mood: Bloody Excited mate
Current Music: Madeleine Peyroux

Last night i dreamt i went partying with Amanda Lepore. Odd already seeing as i don't do 'partying' very well and am no way cool enough to hang out with Amanda Lepore. I do remember her giving an old woman a makeover so that she looked exactly like her. Then we both passed out on a sofa and i think it got rude. In fact i'm almost positive because i woke up very quickly mouthing 'What the fuck'. Maybe she still had a penis in my dream.

PACKING SCARES ME!!!!!

x

EDIT: I had one of those Rainbow Sherbet things just now. Really long plastic tubes full of three coloured sugar deliciousness. Well as soon as i ate some i remembered that is how Amanda Lepore smelt/tasted in my dream. Hmm maybe i was sleep eating?

Ohhh this stuff is gooood though i can feel my teeth dying..
x

Current Location: Witney - not for long!
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: My Ruin - Sanctuary (goff)

People always used to call me chinese at school (we didn't know any real chinese people) and this face recognition (which i repeated so i could get more manly and satisfy my narcissitc tendancies) is still saying i'm asian. Oh well.



x

Was wonderful today. Got up at 8am ish and went to the boot sale avec ma soeur et mon pere. I bought 'Atonement' 'Peter Pan' and 'The Princess and the goblin' for £1.20. I always found Broken sword 1 the computer game for £3.50 which is awesome because we lost the first one :( such a good game. So was all happy. Then got home and ate toast.

Afternoon brought the Wychwood Country Fair. There were REAL LIFE MORRIS DANCERS, arts and crafts including wool stuff and weaving, homemade stuff like jam and honey, REAL LIFE FERRET RACING, fucking hot roof thatchers that were beautifully beardy and sweaty and tanned and just YUM. Then i found another book stall and proceeded to buy 'Emma' 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' another copy of 'Chocolat' 'The time Machine' 'Wyrd Sisters' and 'Coral Island' all for £2

That is equal to £3.20 in total for 9 books in one day if my maths serves me correctly. I am almost completely ready for uni now in terms of book stuff and am ecstatic. Searching for books is...amazing. I go into a trance, and feel so relaxed touching the spines and reading the titles and authors. It's like being in another awesome book filled world where nthing matters but knowledge that we gobble up incessantly through old books that smell of old paper. I love it.

Am no bloody tired. Collapsing at the keyboard eating an alpen bar because i can. I'm bloody excited about next week too! Cannot wait till i get back. Though i LIKE my current routine so really really really dont want to get lax again. Keep me in check oh people wot know me.

x

Current Location: Wychwood
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: The Nutcracker Suite

Look a poem. How scary of me. Criticise don't sycophant. I know what i love and hate, i'd like to know what YOU love and hate. I don't profess at greatness and i know these will be adjusted up until my death.

Anyway, general gist of 'Sanity' is the female perspective of what is morally sane, and what one should strive for as a woman. You may not notice that events happen in reverse. Strangely i enjoy doing feminist rants.


'Sanity'

She lay on black grass, head in her hands,
Slaps her mind hard till she quite understands
Why she sits, split – squirting heart soaks the floor,
Why she sits and spits her embittered titter;
Screeches, impeaches her near fatal flaw.

Rolling revolver, the bullet her head,
But clicking, ticking, chest blows up instead.
Rips up clothes to reveal her chest,
Rips up fat flesh and scores a mauve mesh;
Her skin welcomes blood – the knife is the guest.

Walking is wonky, a drunken delight;
Dancing in blossom, a nymph or a sprite.
Pleasure the weather that spits on your skull,
Pleasure the male, watch his blue limbs flail.
The cord round his neck you hasten to pull.

Hungry humanity, last chance at sanity,
And a starving man winks at your breast.
And starving men drool and play act the fool
So stop.
Drop everything.
Build a lovebird’s nest.

x

Current Location: Lala land
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Mozart because i am cool

Funniest thing just happened. My cat Arnie was sitting on the bed all content sucking his tail. Then i entered the room, got a mirror and made him look in it. He jumped about about 3 foot in the hair went flying off the bed into some miscellaneous beauty products and is currently feeling very stupid in the garden where he is being rained on. That is all.

x

Current Location: HOME home, not *<3 home <3*
Current Mood: hyper
Current Music: Nick Cave - Murder Ballards

...'the one that got away' it is depressing. Makes me want to be GOT so i dont have that ridiculous moniker.

x

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: Hole - Live Through This

Today i left the house ...hurray! Me and a friend went to town and chatted loads and had a bitchin' time even though our town is petite and shit. However, i discovered that Blockbuster is now awesome as they sell preowned dvds! There was a 3 for £10 offer and all of them are WORLD CINEMA!! I've got two Tartan Asia Extreme movies, i think they are both Korean, called 'Wishing Stairs' and Whispering Corridors'. I also found a german movie about homosexuals called 'Regular Guys'. For £10 that aint too abd at all! This was followed by lunch NOT at where i used to work as i am still bitter about that and also it is overpriced poppycock to sell a small pot of tea at £1.55.

So after my salad and mayonnaise sandwich (it sounds gross it wasn't!) paid for by the lovely Rachel (she works) we went on to all the charity shops in town! I bought three books, Huckleberry Finn, War of The Worlds and plays by Chekhov. I think it made me look very cultured. And can i just say that all the things i bought today are in some way recycled. Yes i saved the planet a little, aswell as literature and asian cinema!

Right now i am setting up the sofa bed, getting my quilt, sweets and cats and about to settle down to some blood thristy horror followed by German gayness. Anyone wanna join me?

x

Current Location: Sofa Bed!
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Jarvis Cocker

This is the runway opening for fashion label Heatherette. Starring my new obsesion Amanda Lepore.


http://www.amandaleporeonline.com/gallery/02/20.html

Watch and love.

x

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: 80's trash

I am LAZY. I have time off and i've done nothing! Staying up is becoming a habit as is computer crap. I still haven't painted the goddamn shed and i realise i may have to leave the house because i've now run out of milk and bread. DAMN! I cannot wait to get back to uni SO much now. My friends here ar enice but too caught up in their own affairs. And lazy. Why should i make all the effort to get in contact? Damn stupid.

I had a wierd dream. Heh seeing as this is becoming a dream journal since nothing interesting is happening to me. I dreamt i was in London with my family. We were getting on a bus but my dad was making me pay to go on. It was expensive and i started to get really mad. I was a real cunt actually. I argued with the bus driver and was bullshy and despicable. Then i emptied all my coins onto the little bus driver's tray and he counted 5p's as '1' which made me more angry because blatantly when you count in 5's you don't go 1,2,3,4 &c

Heh even my dreams are boring these days!

x

ps, love the new Deviant Art setup. Or atleast the advert for V5

Current Location: Computer
Current Mood: bored

Eugh being home alone sucks sometimes! I'm still sleeping downstairs because that is where the tv is and where the monsters aint.

Last night i had a bizarre dream. I dreamt i was enrolling into 'The Nazi Party' (it was called that) and i hadn't prepared properly. You were supposed to cut out facts and figures about the party and memorise them, but i had failed to do so. I turned to this biggish blonde posh woman next to me who told me that you had to believe in the Nazi Party for 6 years. Then a fit lad complimented me on my boots and asked how i got them so shiny; "with shoe polish or furniture polish?" Then it was my turn to go up in front of everyone and answer questions i didn't know.

Yes yet another meaningless dream from the crazy house of me. It is insane i do not understand why nazis were so important.

x

Current Location: Home - DOWNstairs
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Tegan And Sara

My parents and my sister are on holiday and i'm all alone. I've taken to sleeping on the bed settee downstairs because upstairs is uber scary on your own at night.

I had a horrible bizarre dream last night that i was watching some sci-fi type prisoner woman being being crucified before she escaped at smashed up everything. It was too wierd. Then i dreamt my cat had ticks and fleas, and is aw them pouring out of this hole in my garden. I was nearly sick it has to be said euuuugh.

SOMEONE SLEEP NEXT TO ME!

The bed is scary on my own too!!

x

Current Location: DOWNSTAIRS
Current Mood: scared

Arrived! 11 movies from the wonderful Studio Ghibli.

Just like my Card Captor Sakura box set i am taking it nice and slowly and watching the movies over a long period of time. They weren't expensive, but i tend to binge and if i do that i end up being bored. So today i watched 'Only Yesterday'.

I adored it! It is a wonderful story, and something i am learning about anime is the way in which they differ in styles, and how you can't always tell whether it will be a 'serious' one or indeed one with a bit of a silly nature.

It would be very easy for me to take the route of high cultured snob and spout about how much more i enjoy the Japanese direction and style and general aspects &c but i understand i am still very much in the learning process. There are so many different things to study and get interested out there outside of the well known and popular stuff i've been merging myself into. I haven't even touched a manga comic.

So here is my plea. I know i am interested in Japanese films, anime, artwork and inquisitive about the nature of manga comics, and i know some of you guys are too. In which case, i would like any of you to reply with a suggestion.

Anything you can think of that i should read/see along the lines of Anime/Manga. I feel it would help my cause to broaden my horizons! So challenge my wallet and i will see what can be done

:)

x

Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Studio Ghibli Archive Set - Yaaay!

I finished 1984! In reality, i ended up liking it so much than i thought i would. It is bleak. Bleak and negative. There is no positivity, the ending is not happy and the political issues it radiates through the pages are

Unfathomable and easy to understand.

If i'm right that was an example of doublethink. Although that principle was such a difficult one to grasp i may be wrong. It's a bit like thinking about, and believing in an oxymoron.

Anyway, i endorse this book! Read it all of you! Then join me in my paranoia, and we may all love Big Brother together. Remember to keep that expression of joy on your face at all times, or it is room 101 for you.

x

Current Location: Oceania
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: Tinny music emmitting from the telescreen

Yesterday i went to my town, gave my opinion on EVIAN bottled water, the packagaing etc and earned £10!

Hurrah! Easy money baby :D

I'm reading '1984'. I like it, but it isn't 'speaking' to me as such. Maybe it's too male, what with Moll Flanders and Chocolat of recent. Leisure reading truly is fun! Big Brother is watching you.

Nothing much else to report, apart from the fact that going out atleast once every day helps my sanity, and also staying away from the computer too :P

Oh insane homophobic thing happened yesterday. My mother walked in while i was watching Big Brother (i'm a slave to reality tv fuck off i don't care) and observed the much faggy Richard aka Dickie mincing about in his darling little way (i love him), and she started muttering, "He's studpidly camp. What an idiot. He'll Turn that young lad yet. He's sickening."

Bearing in mind i'm not officially out to THEM what we call the parents, and had to listen to this was unbearable. NEVER get yourselves into a situation like that; it feels like an indirect personal attack. Not nice!

On a better note, i saw Pride And Prejudice, the one with Keira Knightley, yesterday.

I LOVED IT!

Keira was all giggly and cool and i love the story but something about it was just so GOOD. What with my insane obsession of watching any TV with the subtitles on, it was like reading a great novel! I must say, Mister Darcy was well chosen as actors go :P

x

Current Location: Oxfordshire Palace
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Classical Harpischord of course

Eugh it is hot. I hate bodily functions at the best of times but in the heat...i find myself wearing all black just so i dont get nasty sweat patches. God i hate how me and mother have the same hang ups.

So the past few days have been..ok. Since my mum and sister are home for a while now i am being dragged alot. I'm kinda forcibly yanked from place to place, meaning i am also getting OUT of the house and away from the ever beckoning minor agora shit. It's shit feeling nervous about EVERY little thing, but also kinda cool when i actually DO something.

I did however dislike Tuesday. I went to a place called Banbury for some 'shopping'. What can i say; i need clothes because all of mine are entirely unsuitable for equator climate weather. But instead i found 'sexism rules' and once again was YANKED from one women's shop to the next. I HAVE to rant:

I am semi-known for saying that things are 'too male' but yesterday was very very much 'too female'. I observed everything from skirts to blouses in varying sizes shapes colours etc to itty bitty pathetic little sandals that varied from toe thong, heeled wedged &c. It was TOO MUCH. I think i must have been leashed to about 7 shops successively before we FINALLY got to a menswear shop, where i detected huffy sighs emmitting from both female members of my family. How RUDE! I snapped and ran away to be fair, and swore, alot and in front of kids too. But i don't care, sometimes i AM the Wild Child. It's allowed! I mean it's enough that i'm all repressed and supressed and mentally, physically and emotionally restricted from doing/saying/making anything i please, aswell as this perpetual straight camoflage i appear to have been applying non stop since i got home.

IT'S ALLOWED.

Yes in the end i didn't LIKE any of the clothes let alone found any that were tight enough. I cannot help that my metabolism is similar to that of a mouse, and therefore am mostly skin and sinew, but you'd think there would be ONE shop that had something i liked and something that fitted. I dunno, call me picky but i dont do sportswear and that's all men can wear in the summer.

Fucking sexist pigs.

x

Current Location: moodyville
Current Mood: moody
Current Music: Cyndi Lauper - Seven Deadly Cyns

I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THAT ex. The way looking at that piture makes my stomach knot, imagining him with someone else, anyone else, causing me to go through insane bouts of jealous rage in which i feel it necessary to damage something or someone - needless to say that's often me - just to feel less angry and having this visceral pleasure in imagining him squirming under some sort of torture.

I'm not trying to advertise myself as any different than anyone else who has an ex, because most do, and most might hate them. Maybe you hate them in shifts. But i have this horrible lack of closure that wont be shaken off which makes it all the worse. I hate him for having a good time. I hate him for still being attractive. I hope he gets fat. It doesn't help i have more time on my own now to think about it.
Does anyone else ever get this mad?

My Resolution:

I swear if anyone cheats on me or upsets me again i will VOICE my anger, tell them they are a fucking cunt, not "congratulations , you have a nice new German boyfriend even though i thought we were together." I wont be so polite. I wont be so restrained.

No that's too melodramtic.

I just like to vent, and this seems a good a place as any.

[This bit seemed so appropriate]

"In the Dark of the Night" - Anastasia soundtrack

Revenge will be sweet

[RASPUTIN AND CREATURES]
When the curse is complete!

[ALL]
In the dark of the night

[RASPUTIN]
She'll [he'll] be gone!
I can feel that my powers are slowly returning!
Tie my sash and a dash of cologne for that smell!
AS the pieces fall into place
I'll see her crawl into place!
Dasvidanya, Anya, your grace, farewell!

x

Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: ANGRY MUSIC: Jack Off Jill, My Ruin, Babes In Toyland &c

Last night i stayed up late and got up early this morning so i could finish Chocolat. The book delights me. It is full of magick and witchcraft in an off-the-cuff way, not the "we are witches look at us making spells" way that is slightly jarring. I love how in parts of the story, the fact Vianne Rocher (i LOVE being able to do my French Accents!!) is reading tarot cards is as usual as making tea. Scrying in chocolate is involved too, and all this magick (the 'ck' variety) reminds me of my own wiccan days. I love the science behind superstition, like burning a white candle at a table to ward away bad feeling, and bags of lavendar tied in red ribbon to increase good feeling. I miss my tarot cards too. I was just learning them when i fatally 'lost' them. Bastards. I remember one 'spell' (it really is the WRONG and hackneyed word to use for such things) was for creating accord in the family home by putting a small note with symbols on it in the sugar bowl.

Siiiiigh, i feel all, WITCHY. I want to go and research with a nice fat tome about the various healing properties of St John's Wart or something. I think it is the influence of my Grandparents. They came for a flying visit again, and i relaise how OPEN and un restrained i am with them. Before, i mentioned putting on a flse smile, but this isn't necessary. Their 'ways' delight me. The fact they are approx 70 yrs old, and often say "Oh we've probably got less than ten years left in us" with absolutely unrestrained truth that makes me laugh and panic. I love how they are both raving hypochondriacs, and i see me in them. I am encouraged by morbid tales of various illnesses, maladies and complications. My Nana loves to retell stories of her hives, that flare up at the sight of cheese past 6pm, or Grandad's silent way of saying his piles are really painful today. Last night i sat reading in the kitchen, and my Grandad was sat there silent too, reading the Argos catalogue. The silence was COMFORTABLE. It sounds dreadful (but is true to my own personality) but i know my grandparents thrive on bad news. I can see it in my nana's eyes, a little gleaming light as if she just reached an ecstatic epiphany. It's insane, but i love to feed her with these tit-bit tales.

My family must sound so screwed up, but i don't care. I guess i must love them all or something.

Now i'm off into the garden with a book or off to meditate and get all close witht he earth again or something. Today i feel frightfully floaty. Like i could do anything and it wouldn't matter all that much, and everything in the world is consequential. Maybe i reached my own epiphany over my toast this morning.

x

Current Location: Nirvana?
Current Mood: giggly
Current Music: Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots